For whatever reason, I maintain a Jekyll and Hyde relationship with regards to how I feel about myself. Among close friends, I am known as "Narci", the self loving, "it's all about me", borderline (or over) annoying girl who really digs herself. Outside that circle of comfort, I am the most self conscious, awkward, unsure person who has ever walked the face of this amazing earth. Self doubt dominates my every move.
Yesterday was my 39th birthday. On my birthday radar, this one wasn't huge. No big milestone to cross, just another somewhat special day for me on the calendar. I really had no huge hopes or expectations. As I loom, ever closer, to the big Four Oh, I just sort of dropped this year from my realm of possibilities.
And yet, as this weekend draws to a close, I am in awe of the outpouring of love and glad tidings that were sent my way. This has been the best birthday of my entire life! Truly, 39 is THE year!
To begin with, I ran a 10K race with a special friend. I had no goal really, other than to get some much needed exercise on a weekend of indulgence. He had other plans though and set our goal from the beginning. He wanted us to finish the run in less than an hour. Unbelievably, I did. I actually got a silly, little trophy for finishing 3rd in my age group. Mostly, it embarrassed me, but the "Narci" side of me was proud that I did it. It was an amazing run and a super day. I am so happy that I accomplished this goal.
Later that day, I shared a great picnic lunch with my boys. Chris showered me with gifts and the boys were sweet and I remembered back to an immature journal entry of mine from many, many years ago. I longed for a boy to love me more than I loved him and as I sat amongst these four, fine gentlemen, I had to believe somewhere, somehow, my dream had been fulfilled.
Lastly, this afternoon, I arrived late to a birthday dinner planned for me. It pained me to not be there when the party started, but as I pulled to the curb, I looked over and the friends were spilling out of the house to greet me. My eyes rested upon so many people who mean so much to me in this world. My trainer and great friend Mark was there with his fiancee Mary. He gets up early every day of the week and is tired by 7 p.m., so the fact that he waited for my arrival really meant a lot to me. My workout partner and dear, amazing friend Sheri was there with her husband Christian and two of their precious children. Sheri is incredible but really doesn't like the whole social scene. That she weathered it out for me says so much. Maegen and Richard hosted the party and they are some of the best friends I have ever known. Richard has to put up with me being at his house all the time and Maegen has to endure the onslaught of Macy despair that seeps forth on a steady basis. We share such a close relationship, words truly cannot do it justice. They had also invited Maegen's parents, who are now like family to me and it touched me that they were included in a simple, little party for me.
I actually got presents this year, which was also so unexpected. Most of the time, I don't feel like I deserve anything at all, so when I am bestowed with any sort of gift, I am truly and genuinely humbled and honored. This year, I received such amazing gifts, things that ranged from a single, red rose to a hand drawn, framed pastel of a hummingbird. In between, I additionally got very heartfelt and touching gifts that truly mean the world to me.
As the weekend draws to a close, I am staggered by the outpouring of love. The self doubter side of me cannot believe that I am this loved, this thought of, this remembered. I am humbled by the generosity, the willingness of the human spirit to actually stop and think of little ole me. My heart swells at the notion and overflows with thanks. Thank you all! Thank you, thank you, and thank you a million times over!
Tonight, when my crazy, rattled head hits my pillow, I shall give thanks for the breathtaking tapestry of friends in my life. I shall fall asleep with the most incredible memories and truly believe myself to be a girl loved. And that, my friends, is an amazing gift. Thank you.
